Beatless by Amber L. Johnson

Author:Amber L. Johnson [Johnson, Amber L.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781495414879
Amazon: 1495414876
Publisher: CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform
Published: 2014-02-07T00:00:00+00:00

Mal,

I’ve never told you the entire story of why Jason and I didn’t work out. There are a lot of reasons but I can pinpoint the beginning of the end to the day we learned I’d never give him a baby. There’s a certain duty a woman feels when she gets married, that she’ll be able to provide her husband with a child and complete their family unit. When you’re told that your body simply won’t carry one to term and you’ll just continue to lose them every time, it does something to the marriage. To your heart. Your soul.

All three times I lost one, I blamed myself. My body was poisonous or my genes were bad. Or maybe I didn’t want it enough. The thought of being a mom scared me a little. And I guess people should be scared to be parents. After all, when the kids end up in therapy, it’s always the parents’ fault. Maybe certain people shouldn’t be given the opportunity to ruin a little person’s life.

That’s what drove the wedge so far between us, I think. He needed that baby and I couldn’t deliver – pun intended, I suppose. That’s the reason for the tattoos. Just so you know. Three babies – three wishes that never came true.

Sometimes, when your mom would call me to babysit when I was younger, I’d pretend you were mine. And that I could do a good job raising you. Give you everything you’d need and offer my advice to guide you through so that you wouldn’t become one of the broken ones.

I can tell that you miss him. Tucker. That you blame yourself. I once told you that he would break your heart, but I never once thought you’d break his. You’re unraveling and I don’t know how to fix it. All I ever wanted for you was to feel what it was like to be loved by someone you loved back, so that you didn’t repeat the cycle.

I’m afraid it’s too late and that I failed to walk you through it.

I am so sorry for that.

Sam

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